Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
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8:03 am
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Called my shrink today and asked for drugs. That's how bad I'm feeling. She was shocked given how adament I am that they're morally wrong.
He's not doing this. He's got someone to love now. It kills me that I seem to be the only person in the whole world that feels the loss of he and I. That he's killing his sadness with her body. He replaced me. I wonder if he misses me. Wasn't I worth missing?
This isn't grief anymore. It's despair.
I'll take any pill at all to make this stop.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
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12:48 pm
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Note to self: Feeling good, positive and sincerely okay today. Work is busy, but on the good side of insane. Feel excited about the future and life.
Even when you feel like you've always been sad, you haven't. Relief times may be short, but they ARE there.
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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
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9:17 pm
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How does an hour once every other week cure you?
I have spent the majority of my life feeling exactly the way I feel right now. Sullen, depressed, angry, hurt. I am no better than anyone else and therefore do not deserve to draw out these useless ponderings.
I might feel better eventually. In fact, rationally I will once again find happiness elsewhere now that I've been forcibly removed from my situation of choice; my relationship with Scott. It wasn't ideal, but I invested in it anyway.
Now I need to find a new thing to invest myself in...I could choose myself but I see nothing appealing about that task. Nothing could possibly come of it.
Just as surely as I will eventually feel better, however...is the sureness that I will continue to feel this horrible for the rest of my life. The best may be yet to come, but the worst is yet to come as well. Why bother if nothing is forever. Why work towards a goal? If you achieve it, it will not stay because nothing stays.
My goal was to move away, reinvent myself, find a group of friends that I loved and who loved me, immerse myself in a relationship that was loving, and have a job that made me feel special.
I had those things. I achieved them and then had the adacity to think that I would be allowed to continue on with that life forever. I got my goals. I might have started laying some new ones, but why bother? Everything I wanted came to me and then everything I wanted violently went away.
By my own doing? Depends on your perspective. Mine changes daily. Sometimes I do think its my fault. Sometimes, I don't. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't even matter WHY it happened. It just did.
What it comes down to is that I don't know why I should bother. I guess we're living for those fleeting moments of happy. But I can't think that those brief moments meant anything. Every nice thing that happened with any of those people means nothing now because they weren't real. If they were, we'd still all be happy friends.
Maybe I'm just a whiny bitch who didn't bother with the upkeep necessary to retain the things that were important to me. Maybe if I try again, I'll succeed with my goals as well as the after maintenance. But I might not.
I guess what I want to know is...why bother? Because someday things will get better? I know they will. But even that new better time will go away. Why live for a future that won't be any more stable than this one?
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Friday, August 29th, 2003
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4:31 pm
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I just got to explain a political cartoon to an international student. He wanted to know what the word "ain't" meant. It was a cartoon poking fun of our dear president. It was so freaking cool to explain it, but difficult! Finally, he understood that educated people don't say ain't and sometimes make fun of people who do say it. He was amused and I watched his face light up when he understood the humor behind the cartoon.
Moments like that, I love my job.
Today was bad. The "not sure if I can handle the idea of feeling like this throughout this life anymore" kind of bad.
And yet, I survive and persist. The whole thing is so grim.
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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8:29 pm
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After that last post, this is wonderfully amusing.
jennysolstice
is emotionally distant. |
| I bet no one's surprised that you never post your current mood. In fact, I bet most of your friends are so sick of you locking them out of your life that they hate you behind your back. Shame. |
brought to you by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) interim32. wanna know your livejournal's mood ring
color? enter your username and hit the button.
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Livejournal Mood Ring
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(comment on this)
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8:24 pm
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I'm still waiting around for everyone I'm close with right now to start hating me. They roll their eyes and get sick of my constantly apologizing and reaffirming and being paranoid in general. But, seriously. If you're in any way a regular part of my life, I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time before you leave me.
Perhaps I'm imposing a self fulfilling prophecy on eveyrone else. But perhaps, I'm just a realist.
I'm going to stick with the latter.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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5:10 pm
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Like I need any more abrupt changes.
Past Kenaz - The hearth fire, artistic pursuits, healing, love and passion, creativity, strength. | Present Daeg - Increase and expansion, prosperity, growth, major turning points in life, turning in new directions. | Future Ehwaz - Abrupt changes, moving into new home and environment, travel, swift change in situation. |
Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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2:41 pm
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Seeking--
I'd really like to have a couple icons for this account. Let me tell you where I got the name, and maybe it will inspire you.
Jenny Sparks is the name of a comic book superhero. She was born on January 1, 1900 and died on December 31, 1999. She was the spirit of the century...hence the last name of Sparks since electricity was the driving force of the last 100 years.
When Jenny died in 1999, she was instantly reincarnated as a new child...Jenny Quantum. I assume the author thinks that Quantum physics, etc, will be the driving force of the next 100 years...at least in the dimension she lives in...
I made up this name just prior to 1999. I thought the next 100 years would be about religion, specifically the turning of a religion, so I dubbed myself Jenny Solstice as a result for the purposes of this journal.
Anyhow, I want a couple fun icons to use in deviceful. Something superheroy would be fun. Or...something symbolic for a solstice or a few religious symbols from a variety of cultures.
If and when you have time. :)
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
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9:56 am
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But wait, there's more!
God is in us. We are God. God makes us and we make God. Language fails us in this description. We have to know it in the things that aren't words. We have to believe it in the way that we believe taste, sound, color...the things we can describe with words. We can never reproduce effectively with words only.
If we carry God in us, then it is necessary to realize that God is fallible.
This is where modern religion fails.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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6:05 am - The only truth...
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Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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4:46 pm
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Memory is what defines our humanity. We're saturated with memories in everything we do. Sounds, sights, smells...all of these things are nothing but a comparison to what has already happened.
This can kill us. It can ruin our faith in ourselves. We learn distrust in each other because perceptions change with each flawed replay. We know we're not perfect and we're keenly aware that this can only mean that nobody else is perfect either. We are single planets with no connection between one another. There is a pervading feeling of loneliness in everything that we do because no matter how badly we want it, we can't touch anyone else except on the surfaces of their skin and their awareness.
This can save us. We are not unlike turtles with our homes on our backs. Everything we need is contained in our big beautiful brains. Everything that is important is reflected in our memories. Nothing outside of us is real except to help guide us. Each memory is divine.
Our thoughts are deities. We hold God in our heads.
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Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
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2:37 pm
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Maybe it's time we stopped questioning the way we interact with the world and time we start questioning the world itself.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, August 12th, 2002
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9:20 am
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People don't change unless they experience a life changing event. History dictates this.
Look around. Life changing events are hurling at everyone around us. Open up your arms to the chaos and let it roll over you. You'll become someone else, I gurantee it. And if you're afraid and you cry and you hate and you want to die the whole time, don't despair. Everything passes and you'll come out smooth like a stone from the sea.
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Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
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1:12 pm
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Happiness is in the small things. The bigger we are in how we view the world, the smaller people become. Eventually they don't appear to be people at all anymore. That's when tragedy starts. Compassion dies and with it, our hopes die. It is ourselves as individuals that motivates us to love and others to love us.
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Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
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9:19 am
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I'm going to repeat myself. It's worth repeating.
You could be wrong. Say that everytime you say a prayer. Dispense with the simple Amen.
"Icouldbewrong" should close every thought and uttered belief to remind yourself everytime you believe in something that you're Guessing and not Knowing.
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Sunday, December 9th, 2001
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4:40 pm
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I could be wrong.
I mean, I don't think I am, but I could be. And you could be too, frankly.
Nobody quite grasps that. They think that to believe in something they have to accept that idea at the cost of every other idea. So much so for some, that any other idea is...evil.
If everyone could take the standpoint of "I'm most likely wrong, but I'm willing to give it a go because I think it's worth it" then I think the world might actually be worth living in.
Believe things, but know what you DON'T believe in too. If you're going to be Christian, Moslem, Pagan, Mormon, anything at all, don't just know what you believe. Know what you don't believe and know it well. Because if you know it well, you won't hate it anymore.
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Saturday, December 1st, 2001
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9:21 pm
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The generation before us did what the generation before them did. They had expectations placed before them and they tried so hard to live up to them. It didn't work, it seems. Marriages fail and lives got torn apart because what you're expected to do isn't always what you should do.
My generation, this crazy 20 something time, is trying out new ideas. They're breaking out of the mold, sometimes more violently than what they should be. Pologamy, paganism and other such nonevils are proving to be a comfort in a world that doesn't add up. But we still haven't found what we're looking for..
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Wednesday, November 21st, 2001
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11:00 am
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First off, get the idea of evil vs. good out of your head. There is no such thing as evil. There is no such thing as good.
It's easy to look at helping people who needs you as good, or murder as evil. Black and white are children's colors. Stop beliving life could be that simple because it isn't.
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Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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2:07 pm
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I think I have a little more than average number of acquaintences. I far from know everyone in town when I walk down the street, but I can nearly always run into a person or two that I recognize. In a town this size, and considering the short period of time that I've lived here, that's a fair bit.
I talk to people and I try to listen to what they say. I hear one common thread in so many of them: They want something to believe in, but nothing out there is quite right.
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Friday, November 16th, 2001
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10:41 am
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I'm not a prophet. At least, I don't think I am. No angels on high, no choirs. I'm just a girl with ideas. A girl that pays attention. A girl who sees through bubbles sometimes. I want to take the world by the hand and tell them they're FINE. I can't, though. I'm not big enough.
Yet.
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